Crackfic
by Joker In The Pack
Summary: Formerly co-authored with Pixie/PrincessVolturii. Bella dominates, Jasper has SERIOUS issues with inanimate objects, Emmett is just a tad delusional, and Edward seems normal...but we all know the truth behind that ;
1. Everything I know is a lie!

**A/N: Ahahhaaa....songs: I'm Gay and London Bridge, Bowling for soup.**

One day Emmett ran in crying non-existent tears.

Esme immediately went to see what was wrong.

"Emmett, dear, what's wrong?" she soothed.

"I-I-it w-w-was B-b-Bella, she b-bitch s-slapped m-me", Emmett sobbed.

Just then Bella came in.

"Yo peepz, wazzup?" She said.

"NOOO, BELLA'S BACK" Emmett screamed.

"Yeah, dat's right and I'm gonna rock it suckaz", Then she started singing with Edward.

Bella: This fuckin' song is ALL personality,

Edward: DUDE, that's just SHIT,

Edward: Well we've all heard about  
how the guys in the band  
Weren't the popular kids in school  
Bella: And now you hate your parents  
'cause of the way you turned out  
But in the end the blame's on you

Edward: And we all sympathize with your torn-apart heart  
And your really artistic worldly views  
It sells records when you're sad these days  
It's super cool to be mad these days

Bella: I think rock and roll is really funny  
when it's serious

Edward: Don't hate us 'cause we're happy  
Bella: Don't hate us 'cause we're beautiful  
Both: Don't hate us if we make you smile  
Or if we go the extra mile  
Edward: To make someone feel better  
on a really shitty day  
And if you're hearing what I'm saying then  
I want you to say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)  
Bella: Say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)

Edward: Let's start a movement, let's start it right now  
And if you don't know where to start  
Bella: I can show you I'm your new team captain  
Put your left hand over your heart  
and repeat after me

It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual  
Edward: It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual  
Alice, Rosalie? You guys wanna join in?  
(Yeah, buddy. Sure. Sorry Dude)  
Alice: It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual  
Rosalie: It's perfectly fine to be a happy individual  
Bella: Very Nice. Very Nice.

Edward: Don't hate us 'cause we're happy  
Bella: Don't hate us 'cause we're beautiful  
Both: Don't hate us if we make you smile  
Or if we go the extra mile  
Edward: To make someone feel better  
on a really shitty day  
And if you're hearing what I'm saying then  
I want you to say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)  
Bella: Say, "I'm gay!" (I'm gay!)

Edward: That's right, ladies and gentleman!  
Pick up the phone  
'cause Edward and Bella are on the line!  
Bella: And you don't have to be sad anymore!  
Edward: You don't have to be mad anymore!  
We can all join hands and do ring around  
the freaking rosie!  
Bella: In fact, can we can get some "La la's up in here?

Edward: It sells records when you're sad these days  
It's super cool to be mad these days  
I think rock and roll is really funny  
When it's serious

Bella: Yo, where my "La la's at!

Edward: La la-la la, la-la la-la  
La la la la  
La la-la la, la-la la-la  
La la la la  
La la-la la, la-la la-la  
La la la la  
La la-la la, la-la la-la  
La la la la

Esme and Emmett stared at them in pure disbelief, and then Esme scraped her jaw off the ground and screamed for Carlisle.

"Yes, dearest wife, whom I love so very much, what can I do for you?" He gabbled.

"I think Edward and Bella have started drinking and doing drugs", Esme said.

Carlisle falls to the ground and starts sobbing. "NOOO, WHERE DID I GO WRONG, WHERE? THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE PERFECT CHILDREN, NOOOO"

"CARLISLE GET THE FUCK OFF THAT FLOOR, I JUST CLEANED IT" Esme screamed at him then bitch slapped him.

"Yes dear", Carlisle whimpers, then goes into the emo corner with Emmett and sobs.

"Yo peepz, wazzup? I ent on drugs. Hey, Eddie, you on drugs?" Bella said.

"Bella, why are you talking like that? Don't call me Eddie. No I'm not on drugs" Edward muttered.

"Yo, dis how da cool peepz talk, ent dat right Emmett?" Bella said.

"Ya, dis how da cool peepz talk, N Bella, don't you dare bitch slap me again, yo" Emmett said.

*Background Music starts*

Emmett: Oh, oh... Oh... Oh, snap!  
Bella: Yeah.  
Emmett: Oh, snap.  
Bella: Say it, say it like you mean it. C'mon.  
Emmett: Oh, snap!

_[Music comes in]_  
Bella: I like this. Let's get some oh, snaps. Bring in the oh, snaps.  
(Oh, snap!)  
Emmett: That was a good one?  
(Oh, snap!)  
_[Singing]_  
Bella: When I come into the club, step aside. (Oh, snap!)  
Emmett: Part the seas, don't be havin' me in the line. (Oh, snap!)  
V.I.P., cause you know I gotta shine. (Oh, snap!)  
Bella: I'm Bella Bells, and me love you long time. (Oh, snap!)  
Emmett: All my girls get down on the floor, (Oh, snap!)  
Bella: Back to back, drop it down real low. (Oh, snap!)  
Emmett: I'm such a lady, but I'm dancing like a ho, (Oh, snap!)  
Cause you know  
Bella: I don't give a ..., so here we go!

Both: How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge  
wanna go down like London, London, London  
Like London, London, London.  
_[X2]_

Emmett: Now as the drinks start pouring,  
And my speech start slurring,  
everybody starts looking really...

Grey goose got your girl feeling loose.  
Bella: Now I'm wishing that I didn't wear these shoes.  
It's like every time I get up on the dew,  
Paparazzi put my business in the news.

Emmett: And I'm like get up out my face. (Oh, snap!)  
'Fore I turn around and spray your face with mace. (Oh, snap!)  
Bella: My lips, you wanna have a taste. (Oh, snap!)  
You got that?

_[Speaking]_  
Emmett: Seriously, everyone in this club, I believe, is getting tipsy.  
Bella: Uhh...  
Emmett: Can we finish this?

_[Singing]_  
Emmett: I got the bass!

Bella: How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge  
wanna go down like London, London, London  
Like London, London, London.  
_[X2]_

Emmett: (La, la da, da, da, la da, da, da)  
Bella: Me like a bullet type, you know they coming' right  
Bella love em' long time  
_[X2] _

_[Speaking] _  
Bella: Oh, man. This feels good. Seriously, I'm not kidding, right now.  
I wanna play this song forever and ever and ever.  
I wanna go down in history as being the band that came to Yahoo and just played their hearts out.  
And played forever and ever. And seriously, I want the chairman of the board to come in and pour champagne for everybody.  
Because right now, I'm lovin' life. You guys lovin' life?  
Emmett, you lovin' live? He's lovin' life. Are you lovin' life? Yes, he's lovin' life.  
Emmett Yep, he's lovin' life.

_[Singing]_  
Emmett: Oh, snap! (Oh, snap)  
When I come into the club, step aside.  
Part the seas, don't be havin' me in the line.  
V.I.P., cause you know I gotta shine.  
Bella: I'm Bella Bells, and me love you long time.  
Emmett: All my girls get down on the floor, (Oh, snap)  
Bella: Back to back, drop it down real low. (Oh, snap)  
Emmett: I'm such a lady, but I'm dancing like a ho, (Oh, snap)  
Bella: and you know what?  
Emmett: Here we go.

Bella: How come every time you come around my London, London Bridge  
wanna go down like London, London, London  
Like London, London, London.  
_[X2]_

(How come?!)  
(How come?!)  
(How come?!)  
Bella: I don't know.  
(How come?!)  
Bella: Emmett, I don't know. I'm sorry.  
(How come?!)  
Bella: I have no earthly idea!  
(How come?!)  
Bella: Emmett, I'm confused, seriously.  
(How come?!)  
Bella: Stop asking me that!  
(How come?!)  
Bella: I don't know!  
(How come?!)  
Bella: Seriously.  
(How come?!)

*song ends*

"Yo peepz, like da song?" Bella and Emmett said.

"No, you mofo's. " Esme said.

"Yo, Jazz, make me a smoothie" Bella told Jasper.

"Yes Ma'am" Jasper saluted, and scurried into the kitchen.

**In the kitchen....**

"Crap....Fruit, fruit, fruit...AHA...Blender, Blender, Blender....AHA" Jasper was talking to himself as he searched the kitchen for needed items.

He put the 'fruit' into the blender, put the lid on and pressed Blend.

Few minutes later, it was done.

He poured it into a glass, and stirred...and put a straw in.

Then he took it out to Bella.

**Back in the living room...**"Fuck me, yo, where's Jazz with my smoothie?" Bella complained as Jasper hurried in with Bella's smoothie.

"H-h-here you go Mistress Bella" Jasper stuttered as he handed Bella her smoothie.

She started drinking it then spat it out in disgust.

"EWWW YO, JASPER, THIS STUFF TASTES LIKE CRAP, WHAT DID YOU PUT IN IT, YO?" Bella screamed at him.

"Well, I put a long orange thing in, lots of little yellow things, lots of little green things, mini green trees-"Jasper started.

"Jasper, yo, please don't tell me you put veg instead of fruit in mah smoothie? Dudeeee, seriously..." Bella asked.

"I don't know, I'm only vampire, I'M ONLY VAMPIRE, I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS" Jasper replied/screamed.

"Yo, you did. You were human one time and dudeeee, that is just not right. Get your HEAD EXAMINED, yo"

"EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE" Jasper screamed, running out of the room.

Moments later there was a crash, bang and a horrified scream.

Alice rolled her eyes and went up to comfort him.

**A/N: REVIEWWW!!!!**


	2. Jasper thePRIEST!

**In Voltera…**

"Oh yeah, Uh-huh, Oh, yeah, Uh huh" Aro sung

"Shit, what did he do now…" Jane questioned looking suspiciously around

"OMC!!! GUYS!! I JUST MADE LIKE DIS REALLY COOL THING, AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT IT'S A COOL DRINK THINGY, AND I MADE THE CULLENS BREATHE IT AND LIKE THE WOLVES DID AS WELL AND OH SHIT, I THINK I DID TOO....OMC WE'RE GONNA BURST INTO SONG…LIKE WHENEVER!! MWHAHAHAHAH!!!" He laughed evilly and clapped his hands together jumping up and down like a retard

"Now…Let's visit the Cullen's" He looked Alec and Jane up and down and a smile broke across his face. Jane quickly said the first thing she thought

"Errr.....ok?!" She looked hopeful…

"Yes! WONDERFUL!! I shall see thee upon my return!" then he was gone…

"Phew…That was a close one" Jane breathed relieved

"I'll say!" Alec agreed

"HEY GUYS! ARO'S GONE! PARTY!" Felix shouted jumping up and down like a retarded squirrel

"YEA!!!" They all screamed and grabbed nearby unsuspecting humans and started draining them dry. An ordinary day in Voltera

**Back at the Cullen's…**

Bella walked up the Cullen mansion and knocked on the door,

"OOOH A VISITOR!!" Emmet roared and pulled the door opened, his face twisted into horror as he saw Bella standing there…

"AHHHHHHHHH, OMC ITS BELLA HIDEEEEE!" Emmett screamed and slammed the door in her face.

"Hey!" Edward called

Emmett walked 2 steps away before another knock at the door interrupted

"Ugh! Bella go away!" Emmet shouted back

"It is I! ARO the magnificent!" Aro called

Emmet screamed and ran to open to door

"OMC!!! ARO, LIKE IT'S, SLUMER PARTY TIME!" Emmet screamed in a very girlish like tone jumping up and down

"YAH, YOU GOT IT BITCH!" Aro screamed back.

Aro walked in with Emmet by his side

"YO PEEPS!! SUP MA HOMMIES!!" Aro called throwing himself unfront of everyone grinning looking cross eyed at everyone

At that moment there was a big crash and a bang outside

CRASH BANG! BOOM!! KAPOW! And then suddenly and unexpected tank drove right through the wall with…Bella…Inside…

"WHAT DA FUCK MAN?" Aro screamed at her. Emmet's face was twisted in horror…He didn't want to be Bitch Slapped again…Emmet shuddered at the memory and crouched down in his Emo corner, sucking his thumb rolling back and forth..

Jasper didn't notice anything had happened he was too busy glaring at a glass of orange juice, crossing his brows trying to move it, he had been doing that for 3 and a half hours now, not moving or breathing just glaring at this un moving glass, and he hadn't even noticed a tank coming through the wall…

"OK BITCHES, DO WHAT I SAY OR GET BITCH SLAPPED. EMMETT, GET ME SOME LEMONADE! NOW" Bella screeched

"Yes Ma'am" and Emmett ran out the door to go get her some

"EDWARD! GET YOUR ASS UP HERE N STRIP!" She screamed at him, twitching.

"Yes Dear" he was there in a flash

Edward started stripping and twirling round the pole.

"RIGHT! ROSE, ALICE GOES FIND ME A QUEEN OUTFIT!!! NOW!"

"Yes Mistress Bella" then they were gone

"CARLISLE, ESME! ESME, RUN ME A BATH! CARLISLE, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT " She screamed at them

"Yes Queen Bella" they were doing their jobs in a flash

"ARO! WORSHIP ME!"

"With pleasure dearest one" He quickly got down and worshiped her kissing her feet

"YEAH THAT'S RIGHT BIATCHES! WORK FOR ME YOU-" She cut of mid sentence as she noticed Jasper wasn't doing anything

"*sigh*" She sighed

"JASPER, GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH!"

He sat there, unmoving, still staring at the glass, never once looking away, he showed no sign that he heard her

"JASPER!?" She said throwing a dildo at him

"JASPERRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She screamed

And then in utter horror something terrible happened…

**In the Kitchen…**

**Emmett's mind**

Damnit! The lid won't unscrew on the Lemonade! Shit! NO!!! BELLA'S GONNA KILL ME! Or worse…SHE'LL BITCH SLAP ME!! ZOMG! NOOOO!!!

**Out of Emmett's mind (Thank God for that...)**

Emmett started panicking and running around, and screaming "NEED HELP!! HELP ME!!! SOMEBODY HELP MEEE!!!"

**(Very suddenly The Kitchen was transformed into a concert, the walls moved round and a screaming crowd, people stood there clapping and screaming as the music started.)**

Emmett recognized the song and started singing.

_"Don't contradict me!_

Don't disobey me!

Don't even think about going to  
that audition.

Please!

No!

Mother!!!!

Stop!

Stop telling me what to do

Don't!

Don't treat me like a child of two

No!

I know that you want what's best

Please!

But mother, please,

Give it a rest!!!

Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Mama. I'm a big girl now!

Once upon a time when I was just a kid  
You never let me do just what the older kids did  
But lose that laundry list of what you won't allow

'Cause mama, I'm a big girl now

Once upon a time I used to play with childhood toys  
But now I'd rather play around with teenage boys  
So, if I get a hickey, please don't have a cow

'Cause mama, I'm a big girl now

Ma, I gotta tell you that without a doubt  
I get my best dancing lessons from you  
You're the one who taught me how to "twist and shout"  
Because you shout non-stop  
And you're so twisted too!  
Wo -oh -oh -oh -oh

Once I used to fidget  
'Cause I just sat home

But now I'm just like a gidget WRONG; But now I'm just like Gidget  
And I gotta get to Rome!

So say, arrivederci!

Toodle-loo!

And ciao!

'Cause mama, I'm a big girl now

Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

Mama, I'm a big girl now  
(hey mama, say mama)

Once upon a time I was a shy young thing  
Could barely walk and talk so much as dance and sing  
But let me hit that stage, I wanna take my bow

'Cause mama, I'm a big girl now

Wo - oh - oh - oh - oh  
Once upon a time I used to dress up 'ken'  
But now that I'm a woman, I like bigger men  
And I don't need a Barbie doll to show me how

'Cause mama, I'm a big girl now

Ma, you always taught me  
What was right from wrong  
And now I just wanna give it a try  
Mama, I've been in the nest for far too long  
So please give a push and mama watch me fly

Watch me fly

Hey, mama, say mama

Someday I will meet a man  
You won't condemn

And we will have some kids  
And you can torture them

But let me be a star  
Before I take that vow

'Cause mama, I'm a big girl now

Oh - Oh - Oh

Mama, I'm a big girl now

Hey - Hey - Hey

Mama, I'm a big girl

Ooh, such a big, big girl!

I'm a big girl now

Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!  
Stop! Don't! No! Please!

Mama, I'm a big girl now!!!"

Then the scene changed to a church and he was in a confession booth.

"What do you have to confess, my child?" the elderly priest? In the other booth said.

"Well, it started yesterday when Bella bitch slapped me, and made Jasper go Emo, but he's normally like that except that yesterday, he ran upstairs after screaming EVERYTHING I KNOW IS A LIE, then there was a bang, a crash and a horrified scream, so Alice had to go up to comfort him and Esme got bossy, then Carlisle got depressed and Edward is Mr Perfect who can do no wrong, but then he had to strip for Bella, cause she's a bitch-slapping-control-freak, and Alice and Rosalie are her slaves and her 'Body Guards, they give her everything. We all do. We're too scared to say no!" Emmet started to sob

"She might bitch slap us again!" He confessed

"Now tell me why did this happen? Is Bella a control freak? What's wrong? Why did she bitch slap you?"

"I don't know! I've been asking myself that question for years…Every night in bed it replays over in my head…I can't sleep or dream but if I did I bet it be that…Sometimes at night I can still hear the screaming!"

"My child, sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe in...how tall is this Bella?" he asked.

"5ft 4, average American girl next door" He whispered, looking around as if Bella could jump out any minute.

"And how does she bitch slap you? If you are bigger and stronger than her, then how…?" he said suspiciously.

Emmet just sat there motionless and then started to laugh and fidget nervously.

"My child, are you delusional?" The Priest asked, confused

"Oh…yeah…I think..." He confessed still confused…how the heck did he get here?

"Ok, I understand, now Emmet why don't you stand up to Bella? Show her what you're made off! I mean you're a strong independent man! Don't let that whore bitch slap you again!"

"GASP" Gasped Emmet

"GASP!" Gasped the readers (That's your cue!)

"GASP!" Gasp the Author, you know a dramatic effect!

"BELLA IS NOT A WHORE AND I THOUGHT YOU WERE A PRIEST?!" He roared at the wall between them causing the audience to GASP!

"AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE SAYING WORDS LIKE THAT! IT'S MEAN! AND THIS IS RATED T!!!" Emmet snarled causing everyone to GASP again.

"SNARL, HISS, GROWL!" Snarled Hissed Growled Emmet.

"Emmett....Emmett.....Dude, can you hear me? EMMETT, WAKE UP!!!" The priest turned into Jasper. Emmet screamed and had a girlish fit. JASPER WAS A PRIEST?!! All because of Lemonade? NO!

He struggled, and felt himself being levitated and screamed.

"HELP! DON'T BITCH SLAP ME PLEAE! NOOOOO NOT ME TAKE THE LEMONADEEE!! NOOOOOO" Then suddenly the church started to fade and he saw the Priest's face in the clouds saying "You can do this Emmet, I have faith In you…Show her what your made off and err turn the lid the OTHER WAY Emmet…You were turning it the wrong way…So…err…that's all…Bye Bye" Then her face started to fade

"NOOOOOOO!" Screamed Emmett

"NOOOOOOO!" Screamed the Readers (Your Cue Again!!)

"NOOOOOOO!" Screamed the Author, for the dramatic effect…

Suddenly everything faded and he was back in the kitchen, screaming on the floor like a girl.

"EMMETT! EMMETT WTF ARE YOU DOING!" Rosalie screamed

"TAKE IT! I REFUSE TO BE A SLAVE FOR YOU BELLA! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! TAKE THE LEMONADE! TAKE IT I DON'T CARE!!!!!" He picked up the lemonade and sprayed over everyone. (except Jasper who was still in the living room staring at the glass…)

Everyone started beating Emmett up and then suddenly Bella…Bella…BITCH SLAPPED HIM AGAIN!! He screamed and ran away to his Emo corner sobbing

"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET BIATCH! DON'T MESS WITH ME!!!" then she stormed off outside everyone followed kissing the ground she walked on…They didn't want to be Bitch slapped…No…They couldn't be bitch slapped…Never…

**In The Living Room…**

He concentrated on the Glass…He stared at it…It wouldn't move…He mentally cursed at it…'STUPID GLASS THINKS YOU CAN OVER POWER ME!' I WILL MOVE YOU!!! He stared at it longer…a little longer…'OMC!!! ARE YOU MOCKING ME!!! THAT'S IT!!! NO ONE MOCKS ME AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!

Suddenly Jasper picked up the glassed and with Inhuman speed threw it at the wall.

"HA! YOUR GLASSY POWERS ARE NO MACH FOR ME! NO ONE CAN BRING ME DOWN I'M A SLAVE FOR NO ONE!" He screamed at the glass shards broken on the floor.

Bella then walked passed, slapped him in the face and said "Go make me a smoothie with FRUIT not vegetables "

"Yes Ma'am" Then he walked out the room and into the kitchen…

What a strange fucked up day today has been…Oh well…Strange for us…Ordinary for them…


	3. Therapy

_**A/N: Ahaha....Songs: **_ _**Lumberjack song-Monty Python, Ohio, come back to texas-Bowling for Soup and lastly Milkshake-Kelis. ENJOY!!**_

**At the Cullen's.....**

"OK, THAT'S IT. YOU LOT ARE GOING TO THERAPY!!!" Carlisle screamed at the Cullen kids.

"Gah, why?" Emmett grumbled.

Carlisle stuffed them all in a bag and tossed them in the car.

"You. Are. Going. To. Therapy." He said through gritted teeth, driving off to the therapy department.

He dumped them in the office and left, after explaining to the therapist why they're there.

"So, you are the Cullen's?" The therapist asked, looking at Jasper who was staring intently at a phone.

Emmett stood up and dusted himself off.

"Yah, we're not blenders are we?"

"OOH, BLENDERS, SHINY, WHERE?!" Alice screamed.

"Tha phone.....Tis mocking me..." Jasper mumbled.

The therapist picked the phone up slowly, and backed away with it, never breaking eye contact...

Edward then started singing.

He jumped up on the (or was it a chair? It's a therapists, they generally have more than one chair) chair, and the music started.

_(Jasper and Emmett manly la-la in the background)_

_**Edward:**_

_I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. _

_I sleep all night and I work all day. _

_**Jasper and Emmett:**_

_He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. _

_He sleeps all night and he works all day. _

_**Edward:**_

_I cut down trees. I eat my lunch. _

_I go to the lavatoryyyy. _

_On Wednesdays I go shoppin' _

_And have buttered scones for tea. _

_**Jasper and Emmett:**_

_He cuts down trees. He eats his lunch. _

_He goes to the lavatoryyyy. _

_On Wednesdays he goes shoppin' _

_And has buttered scones for tea. _

_He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. _

_He sleeps all night and he works all day. _

_**Edward:**_

_I cut down trees. I skip and jump. _

_I like to press wild flowers (flahrs). _

_I put on women's clothing _

_And hang around in bars. _

_**Jasper and Emmett:**_

_He cuts down trees. He skips and jumps. _

_He likes to press wild flowers (flahrs). _

_He puts on women's clothing _

_And hangs around in...bars?! _

_He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. _

_He sleeps all night and he works all day. _

_**Edward:**_

_I cut down trees. I wear high heels, _

_Suspendies and a bra. _

_I wish I'd been a girlie, _

_Just like my dear Papa. _

_**Jasper and Emmett:**_

_He cuts down trees. He wears high heels, _

_Suspendies and a bra?! _

_[Bella: talking] _

_What's this? Wants to be a girlie?! Oh, My! _

_And I thought you were so rugged! Poofter! _

_[Singing] _

_He's a lumberjack, and he's okay. _

_He sleeps all night and he works all day. _

_He's a lumberjack, and he's okaaaaay. _

_He sleeps all night and he works all day_

**In the therapists mind....**

Oh my goodness, that poor boy, wants to be a cross dresser lumberjack....he needs help....maybe I can help; after all I AM a therapist. Ohmigosh, therapist looks like The Rapist. OH NO!! What now?!

**Out of the therapists mind....**

Jasper was staring intently at a picture of a fluffy bunny on the wall.

"That...THAT....THAT....THAT BUNNY.....IT'S MOCKING ME......" Jasper screamed.

He picked it up and threw it out the window.

"TAKE THAT FLUFFY MOCKING BUNNY MWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA" Jasper yelled/evil laughed.

Bella marched over to Jasper.

She took up the required position.

And kicked him out the window.

He screamed all the way down.

*Thump*

"Well, now that we've got that out of the way, why don't we have a nice cup of tea", Bella said, smirking.

"You-bu-huh-wha? HUH, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT, WE NEED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE" the therapist stuttered.

"Nahhh, don't worry, Jazz falls out of windows all the time, he'll live" Emmett told him.

As if right on cue, Jasper stumbled through the door, covered in leaves and thorns.

He collapsed on the floor and started singing to himself.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout, Here's my handle, here's my spout....."

When he finished that, he started on the alphabet song.

"Yah, don't worry bout him, that's perfectly normal...." Emmett said.

"For him anyway..." Bella said under her breath.

**In the therapists mind:**

Omg, these people need HELP!!!!

**Out of the therapists mind and back into the real world.**

They all looked at Jasper who was on the floor, singing Ba Ba Black Sheep to himself.

He suddenly stopped and screamed at them.

"DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT"

The windows broke.

Then Jasper started singing....

"_She said she needed a break  
A little time to think  
But then she went to Cleveland  
With some guy named Leelan  
That she met at the bank_

There's nothing wrong with Ohio  
Except the snow and the rain  
I really like Drew Carey  
And I'd love the Scene, the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame

_[Pre-chorus:] __  
So when you're done doing whatever  
And when you're through doing whoever  
You know Denton County will be right here waiting for you...._

_[Chorus:]__  
Come back to Texas  
It's just not the same since you went away  
Before you lose your accent  
And forget all about the Lonestar State  
There's a seat for you at the rodeo  
And I've got every slow dance saved  
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway_

I think I made a mistake  
It's not that easy to take  
She went to make a deposit  
Then she cleaned out her closet  
Guess I'll sit here and wait

For her to come back home (I'd wish you come back home)  
It shouldn't take very long (so long so long)  
I bet she misses the sunrise  
And Mrs. Baird's fruit pies but I could be wrong

_[Pre-chorus]___

_[Chorus]___

Troy Aikman wants you back  
Willie Nelson wants you back  
NASA wants you back  
And the Bush twins want you back  
And Pantera wants you back  
And Blue Bell wants you back

I got a premonition  
I'm taking a petition  
And the whole state's gonna sign

Come back to Texas  
It's just not the same since you went away  
Before you lose your accent  
And forget all about the Lone Star State  
There's a seat for you at the rodeo  
And I've got every slow dance saved

Come back to Texas  
It's just not the same since you went away  
Before you lose your accent  
And forget all about the Lone Star State  
There's a seat for you at the rodeo  
And I've got every slow dance saved  
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway  
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here anyway  
Besides the Mexican food sucks north of here Anywayyyy

_Yeahhhhh......"_

The therapist just uh-ed then told them to all take a seat.

He gave them pieces of paper and a pen.

"Now, I want you to write your full names on the paper" he said, looking over at them.

Edward-Edward Anthony Masen Cullen

Alice-Mary Alice Brandon Hale Cullen

Jasper-Jasper Whitlock Cullen Hale

Bella-Isabella Marie Swan Cullen

Emmett-Emmett McCarty Cullen

Rosalie-Rosalie Lillian Cullen Hale

"Now, tell me a bit about yourselves, Edward first." He said, looking at Edward curiously.

"Well, I'm Edward Cullen, and I play piano, I'm married to Bella, I drive a shiny, silver Volvo." Edward muttered.

"Ok, Alice?" he said.

"I'm a shopaholic, I love dressing up, I'm married to Jasper and I drive a yellow Porche." She gabbled in one big rush.

"Jasper?"

"Uh, well, I'm very sensitive, I like eggs and I'm married to the demon pixie called Alice Cullen, and I drive a pit bull motorbike, according to some crazed fangirl.......and I like the confederates " Jasper mumbled looking at the floor.

"Bella?"

"I'm clumsy, I hate shopping, Emmett teases me, I'm married to Edward and I drive a red Ferrari...." Bella said glaring at Emmett.

"Emmett?" the rapist, I mean therapist said, looking over at him.

"Uh, well....I like teasing Bella, Eddie here hates me for teasing Bella, I'm married to Rose, I like baseball and I drive a Jeep." Emmett randomly started laughing and Edward started fuming.

"Rosalie?"

"I'm pretty, I love shopping, I'm married to the idiot formally known as Emmett, I drive a red BMW M6 and I fix cars alot" Rosalie said, smacking Emmett and checking her nails.

"Ok," the therapist said, "We're gonna try an activity"

Jasper smacked his head on a potted plant.

"Uh, Jasper?" the therapist, "I don't think you should do that?"

Jasper growled at him and the therapist backed away.

"Boys, I would like you to stay here and I would like the girls to go outside, into the next room" the therapist said.

The girls walked out of the room, grumbling something about why the hell Carlisle made them do this, and when can they go home?

Once the girls were gone, the therapist turned to the boys and said this to them:

"We are going to look at what the girls do to you...Emmett first"

"Uh, well Rosalie lurrrves me, Bella bitch slaps me, and Alice give me makeovers...." Emmett mumbled, looking embarrassed

"Edward?"

"Uh, pretty much the same, except me lurrrves Bella and Rosalie gives me makeovers and smashes my piano, but Bella makes me strip dance..." Edward muttered, glaring at the door in question.

"Jasper?"

Jasper was staring at the chair.

He picked it up.

He threw it out the window.

"Yes?"

"What do those girls do to you?" the therapist asked again.

"Uh, well, Alice lurrrves me, I'm Bella's servant and Rosalie broke my arm last month....twice....." Jasper said, staring at the potted plant.

"You have to stand up to those girls. YOU HAVE TO SHOW THEM THAT MALES ARE THE DOMINANT SPIECES HERE, AND THAT YOU WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS KIND OF NONSENSE!" the therapist, standing up on the desk and doing this weird dance.

Emmett leaned over to Jasper and Edward....

"I think the therapist needs therapy!!"

He said in vamp speak.

They cracked up laughing and the therapist looked at them like they were crazy, and they'd just gotten up on a desk and danced....

Quick as a flash, Emmett pulled down the therapist's trousers.

He was wearing My Little Pony undies, and had a raging hard on.....

"LYK, PMC", Edward screamed, "YOU LYK MY LITTLE PONY TOO!! Oh, fuck, you perv, you've got a hard-on....pmc...."

Emmett pulled down Edward's trousers...

He was wearing My Little Pony undies too.

Emmett pulled down Jaspers.

He had Night at the Museum 2 undies.

Emmett pulled down his own.

Crap!

He forgot to put his on this morning!

Damnit!

And he forgot to shave.....down there!

O_o....

Well, it's safe to say, they were now _scarred for life _after seeing Emmett like that.

Jasper and Edward screamed and covered their eyes.

The rapist, sorry therapist, fainted and fell off the desk, out the window and went splat on the sidewalk.

Oh dear.

Jasper went over to the window, uncovered his eyes, and peered down.

He leaned a bit too far out and fell out.

*SPLAT*

Crap, I think he landed ON the therapist.

Then Emmett, being the retard he is, decided to launch himself out too.

He landed on top of both of them.

Edward thought _Sod it all_ and jumped out after them.

The rapist, sorry therapist, ended up in hospital, with a broken neck, leg, arms, fingers, ribs, pelvis and a broken skull.

They were going back tomorrow for the girls.

I feel sorry for the next one.

Edward went to the hospital, with some flowers for the rapist, therapist.

Too bad, he was in a coma....

Or was he dead?

I don't know, he's a rapist.

No, really.

No, not really.

Really?

Nah, not really.

How do you know?

I don't, but I'm the author.

Great, here we go again. I'm talking to myself.

Well, we have time for ONE LAST SONG, SUNG BY EMMETT.

Whoo.

_My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you  
But I have to charge_

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you  
But I have to charge

I know you want it  
The thing that makes me  
What the guys go crazy for  
They lose their minds  
The way I whine  
I think it's time

La,La,La,La,La  
Warm it up  
La,La,La,La,La  
The boys are waiting  
La,la,La,La,La  
Warm it up  
La,La,La,La,La  
The boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you but I have to charge

I see you're on it  
You want me to teach thee  
Techniques that freaks these boys  
It can't be bought  
Just know things get caught  
Watch if you're smart

La,La,La,La,La  
Warm it up  
La,La,La,La,La  
The boys are waiting  
La,La,La,La,La,  
Warm it up  
La,La,La,La,La  
The boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you but I have to charge

Oh, once you get involved  
Everyone will look this way, so  
You must maintain your charm  
same time maintain your halo  
Just get the perfect blend  
Plus what you have within  
Then next his eyes are squint  
Then he's picked up your scent

La,La,La,La,La  
Warm it up  
La,La,La,La,La  
The boys are waiting  
La,La,La,La,La  
Warm it up  
La,La,La,La,La  
The boys are waiting

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you but I have to charge

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard  
And they're life, it's better than yours  
Damn right it's better than yours  
I could teach you but I have to charge.

Emmett finished with a flourish.

"YEAH, HOWS DAT FOR EM-STYLE?" He screamed at no-one in particular.

"EMMETT, GET THE FUCK IN HERE, I WANT SEX" Rosalie screamed from the bedroom.

He ran for it.

**A/N: Heh Heh...REVIEW! I promise, I'll make SB/PF finish the chappy.**

**Cause, I write one then she writes one. SB/PF=ScarlettBlush/PixieFreak. ;)**


	4. Therapy Part 2

**A/N: Without further ado, I present chapter 4 of CRACKFIC!!! *theme music* Cya down at the bottom!**

**-The Next Day-**

**The Therapist wheeled in on a brain controlled wheelchair, created from a porn shop in the future…oh snap…**

**"Ok, girls, it's your turn today, you may come in now." The rapist mumbled although it sounded like **

**'Oh, good tits, you turn me on today, you lay on my body now.' Pervert...**

**The girls walked in with disgusted/offended looks on their faces.**

**"I EED MESH TRANSPORTER! TRANPORTER!!!" The rapist screamed causing all the girls to jump 3 feet in the air and smash through the ceiling.**

"**Shit, there's a hole in the ceiling and the dude in the room above with the hole in the floor/ceiling is looking down upon them like they escaped from the asylum…Well, Alice did…" Rosalie said.**

**Alice jumped at her like a midget pixie that's been eating mirrors.**

"**NOM NOM NOM NOM!" She nommed, "I SHALL NOM YOU ALL!**

**Suddenly a retarded guy with a mushroom head walked in,**

**"I am you translator, please to be of service."**

**"What do you translate?" Rosalie asked**

**"Shit." **

**"Urg...Kay translate this. Ooosh eeh frapist ah ugh ra rumph?"**

**"Ubba ubba canalubo seeelo ta huma"**

**"Bedaboo consurmentag agaga hash ong tong?"**

**"Ooo ahh!"**

**"Erba?"**

**"COO!!"**

**"Leba????!!"**

**"TOO SEE HAW!"**

**"Ohhh sheemna." Rosalie laughed.**

"**Divl mu fodvp dyovl" The mushroom dude said, winking at ****her.**

**Rosalie screamed and ran around in circles.**

**Then she screeched to a halt, grabbed a random microphone and started singing…**

***music starts***

**Rosalie: Hey! WitchDoctor! Give us the magic words!!**

**Alice and Bella: All right, you go ooo ooo ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bang!**

**Rosalie: All right!Rosalie: Ooo eee,ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bangOoo eee,ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bang**

**Alice+Bella: Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla Walla, bang bang**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bang**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bang**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bang**

**Alice+Bella: Dow Dow Dow DowRosalie: I told the witch doctorI was in love with you**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: I told the witch doctorI was in love with you**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: And then the witch doctorHe told me what to doHe told me**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bangOoo eee ooo ah ah ting tangWalla Walla bang bang...Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bangOoo eee ooo ah ah ting tangWalla Walla bang bang.**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: I told the witch doctorYou didn't love me true**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: I told the witch doctorYou didn't love me nice**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: And then the witch doctorHe gave me this adviceOoo eee,ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bangOoo eee ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla bang bang...Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bangOoo eee ooo ah ah ting tangWalla Walla bang bang**

***Rosalie starts bouncing around and dancing while Bella and Alice jump around in the background*Rosalie: You've been keeping love from meJust like you were a miserAnd I'll admit i wasn't very smartSo i went out and found myselfA guy that's so much wiserAnd he taught me the way to win your heart.**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**Rosalie: Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**A+B: Dow Dow Dow Dow Dow**

**All: COME ON AND!**

**All: Ooo eee,ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bangOoo eee ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla bang bang...Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tangWalla walla, bang bangOoo eee ooo ah ah ting tangWalla Walla bang bang**

***Rosalie starts dance-bouncing***

**A+B: Ooo eee ,ooo ah ah**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

**Ooo eee, ooo ah ah**

***Music fades out and Rosalie falls off the stage***

**Mushroomy looked very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very surprised at that point…**

**Alice looked at the retarded mushroom translator guy and had a vision of what he said to her 3.5 seconds before he said it.**

**She started hysterically laughing her ass off.**

**Her ass ran away, and she started chasing it…**

"**COME BACK MY PRETTY!!" she screamed at it…**

**She eventually found it cowering under the desk.**

**Rosalie sat down on mushroom head's mushroom head.**

**"Cough Cough." coughed Bella.**

**"Ok, let us get back to business." The translator translated.**

**"Mk."**

**"Ok, so Rosalie, I hear you're a sex addict, Correct?" **

**The translator asked sexily, winking at her, and reminding her of when he said Divl Mu Fodvp Dyovl.**

**Which translates as 'Suck My Disco Stick.'**

**Mushroomy hypnotised Rosalie and she jumped back on the stage and started singing again…**

***Music***

**Let's have some fun, this beat is sickI wanna take a ride on your disco stick(2x)(huh) (2x)I wanna kiss you (huh)But if I do then I might miss you, babe (huh)it's complicated and stupid (huh)got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid (huh)guess he wants to play, wants to playa love game, a love game (huh)hold me and love mejust want touch you for a minutemaybe three seconds is enoughfor my heart to quit itlet's have some fun, this beat is sickI wanna take a ride on your disco stickdon't think too much, just bust that kickI wanna take a ride on your disco sticklet's play a love game, play a love gamedo you want love, or you want fameare you in the game (huh)dans the love game (huh)(2x)(huh)I'm on a mission and it involves some heavy touching, yeahyou've indicated you're interestI'm educated in sex, yesand now I want it bad, want it bada love game, a love gamehold me and love mejust want touch you for a minutemaybe three seconds is enoughfor my heart to quit itlet's have some fun, this beat is sickI wanna take a ride on your disco stick (huh)don't think too much, just bust that kickI wanna take a ride on your disco stick (huh)let's play a love game, play a love gamedo you want love, or you want fameare you in the game (huh)dans the love game (huh)(2x)(huh)I can see you staring there from across the blockwith a smile on your mouth and your hand on your (huh)the story of us, it always starts the samewith a boy and a girl and a (huh) and a gameand a game (huh) (3x)a love gamelet's play a love game, play a love gamedo you want love, or you want fameare you in the game (huh)dans the love game (huh)(4x) **

***Music stops***

**"NO! That's Emmett, I would never....You see I'm...not a bad girl...not like that.." Rosalie said as she winked back and started sucking her fingers, falling off the stage again in the process.**

**She sucked her fingers in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out-in-out so on and so forth…"AND I DON'T WANT TO SUCK YOUR DISCO STICK" she screamed in Mushroomy's face.**

**The translator got a Stiffy…again...a mega Stiffy…Not to mention the fact he already had one…**

**"Oh I bet you're a naughty girl Rosalie....Very Naughty...." The guy said trying to seduce her, and failing miserably, as he couldn't seduce a mushroom, but somehow Rosalie fell for it…Oooh, BURN!**

**"Oh! Stop it....But as you say it....I guess I am...mmm....You know...I'm more into the kinky stuff..." Rosalie breathed.**

**Mushroomy fainted.**

**Bella and Alice shuffled and fidgeted uncomfortably in their seats.**

**The therapist died. **

**"What a senseless waste of human life" Bella said as she got up and wheeled the therapist out the window.**

***SPLAT***

**Bella started running around the room screaming "NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!"**

**Then Superman burst through the window.**

**"Crapples." Bella said.**

"**Holy Crapples." Alice breathed.**

"**Holy Motherfucking Crapples." Rosalie swore.**

"**Holy Motherfucking Bloody Crapples." Mushroomy winked.**

"**Oh My Motherfucking Bloody Crapples…I just crapped myself. Not literally." Bella spoke.**

"**Oh My MOTHERFUCKING BLOODY FUCKING CRAPPLES! I JUST CRAPPED MYSELF! LITERALLY!"**

**Superman screamed and fell out the window backwards.**

***SPLAT***

**Bella went over to the window and peered out…**

"**Hey, Guys, turns out the therapist just fainted and he's actually still alive…and he needs le hôpital, cause he was fallen on by ShitMan-What a twat."**

"**Oh. Shit. Now what?" Alice said.**

"**Dunno" Rosalie said.**

**Then Rosalie LeGasped.**

"**Le Gasp!" She LeGasped! "I have an idea!"**

**Rosalie**

**Walked**

**Over**

**To**

**Mushroomy.**

**She**

**Grabbed**

**Him**

**And**

**Walked**

**Over**

**To**

**The**

**Window.**

**Then…..**

**She threw him out.**

**She danced around the table.**

**She danced around the floor.**

**She danced around the label.**

**Not to mention the door.**

**Bella and Alice called the hospital, and got them to take Superman and Therapist, and Mushroomy to the Hospital.**

**Then the Cullen's went home and did nothing…**

**THE END OF THIS CHAPTER.**

**PREPARE FOR CHAPTER 5, COMING SOON TO A FANFICTION SITE NEAR YOU!**

**A/N: Lmao. Hope you like it, PF did the first part, then I did the rest AND edited it…gosh, aren't I nice? Do I get reviews for that? I HOPE SO! If you review, I'll put you into chapter 5?**


	5. SayWHAT!

**A/N: Hehe, this is the next chapter of crackfic…Our lovely reviewers is ZOMGamber, and she is in the story, starring as Zamber. Also, I shall be in it as Felix, along with my partner in crime, TeamVolturii, who is starring as Dylan! And my nutcase friend, Courtney, who was gonna eat me if I didn't put her in…=] NOW ON WITH THE STORY!!**

**Update A/N: Okay!! I'm sorry for not updating, I had a really bad Monday/Tuesday, and Wednesday, Mine and my sisters rooms were being rearranged…Anyway, on with the story!**

The Cullens were reading a letter they received in the mail from the therapist, explaining that he could no longer do therapy with them because it always seemed to end with him in hospital, he was also resigning as a therapist and going on holiday to Jamaica because of all the stress.

Then…

The door burst open, and coloured smoke burst throughout the house, and music played, and four insanely beautiful vampire girls walked through the door.

Emmett fell off his chair, Rosalie continued looking in the mirror, Jasper fell off his chair, Alice was busy online shopping, Edward was busy hugging Bella and telling her a bedtime story.

Too bad Bella was ignoring him.

Gutted.

The music started…

**Felix: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,Courtney: And they're likeZamber: It's better than yours,Dylan: Damn right it's better than-STOP!!!**

"**Dude, that's the wrong song" Felix said, grabbing a random remote and starting up different music.**

***Music starts***

**Dylan: Too many dicks on the dance floorFelix: Too many dicks on the dance floorCourtney: Too many dicksZamber: Too many dicks on the dance floorDylan: Too many dicksFelix: Too many dicks on the dance floorCourtney: Too many dicksZamber: Going to the partyDylan: Sipping on BarcadiFelix: I wanna meet a hottieCourtney: But there's Alex, Steve and Marty,Zamber: There's Billy, Ted and TommyDylan: They're on leave from the army,Felix: The only boobs I'll see tonight would be made of origami Courtney: Tell the fella's, Make it understoodZamber: It ain't no good, if there's too much woodDylan: Make sure you know, before you goFelix: The dance floor bro hoe ratioCourtney: Five to One is a brodeoZamber: Tell Eric and Mike it's time to goDylan: Wait outside, all night to findFelix: Twenty dudes in a conga lineCourtney: Too many dicks on the dance floorZamber: Easy to fixDylan: Too many dicks on the dance floorFelix: Spread out the dicksCourtney: Too many dudes, with too many dicksZamber: Too close to my shitDylan: Too hard to meet chicksFelix: I need better oddsCourtney: More broads, less rodsZamber: I came to do battle, Scadadle with the Cattle-ProdsDylan: Too many menFelix: Too many boysCourtney: Too many mistersZamber: Not enough sistersDylan: Too much time on few many handsFelix: Not enough ladies, too many mansCourtney: Too many dicksZamber: Too many dongsAll: Too many shlongsAll: Now sing this song**

Then more purple smoke burst out, and they disappeared in a cloud of orange smoke and red and purple glitter.

"Woahh, that was weird…" Emmett said, staring at the door as if it may explode.

Then the door exploded.

KABOOM!

And a flying musroom named Chip flew in…

"My name is Chip. I am a flying Mushroom." he/it/she said in a robotic voice.

"Hey, what're these cards doing here?" Jasper picked them up and examined them.

"**One says 'Courtney May, 26878639' on it, one says 'Zamber, **926237', one says 'Felix, 335549', and the other says 'Dylan, 39526'. Weird…" He read them out.

"LeGasp!" LeGasped Emmett, "That's those girls that burst in and out!! OhhhMyyyGoodness"

Bella stood up and her bathrobe fell off.

Edward jizzed in his pants.

"Errr, I gotta go to the bathroom, c'mon Bella" He grabbed her and whooshed off to the bathroom.

Music started, and they all looked around, waiting for the strange, mysterious random girls to burst in with their glittery smoke, but they got a surprise when it was Alice who jumped up on the table….

"A-a-a-alice?" Jasper stuttered…

**A pole randomly came out of the table, and Alice started stripping and dancing…**

_**I was feeling done in, couldn't winI'd only ever kissed before.I thought there's no use getting into heavy pettingIt only leads to trouble and seat wetting...Now all I want to know is how to goI've tasted blood and I want moreI'll put up no resistance, I want to stay the distanceI've got an itch to scratch, I need assistance:Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirtyThrill me chill me fulfil meCreature of the if anything grows while you poseI'll oil you up and rub you downAnd that's just one small fraction of the main attractionYou need a friendly hand and I need action...Toucha toucha toucha touch me, I wanna be dirtyThrill me chill me fulfil meCreature of the night.**_

Needless to say, 2 things grew while she sang.

And danced.

And stripped.

And lap danced.

Which is when Edward burst in…

With Bella.

He propped her on the chair, pushed Alice off the table, onto Rosalie, much to Emmett's amusement, and jumped on the table and started singing…

_**I made it through the wildernessSomehow I made it throughDidn't know how lost I wasUntil I found youI was beat incompleteI'd been had, I was sad and blueBut you made me feelYeah, you made me feelShiny and newChorus:Like a virginTouched for the very first timeLike a virginWhen your heart beats Next to mineGonna give you all my love, boyMy fear is fading fastBeen saving it all for you'Cause only love can lastYou're so fine and you're mineMake me strong, yeah you make me boldOh your love thawed outYeah, your love thawed outWhat was scared and cold(chorus)Oooh, oooh, ooohYou're so fine and you're mineI'll be yours 'till the end of time'Cause you made me feelYeah, you made me feelI've nothing to hide**_

_**(chorus)Like a virgin, ooh, oohLike a virginFeels so good insideWhen you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love meOh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ohOoh, babyCan't you hear my heart beatFor the very first time?**_

He then jumped off the table, grabbed Bella, and WAS going to jump out the window…

Except he missed.

And smacked into the window.

But then again…

The window wasn't even open…

Dumbass.

He snuck to his corner, and started singing in a small sad voice…

_These are my confessionsJust when I thought I said all I can sayMy chick on the side said she got one on the wayThese are my confessionsMan I'm grown and I dont know what to doI guess I gotta give you part 2 of my confessionsIf I'm gonna tell it then I gotta tell it allDamn near cried when I got that phone callI'm so gone and I don't know what to doBut to give you part 2 of my confessions_

Then he randomly ran out the room, and everyone stared in shock…

Then he came back in…

_**Don't get strung out by the way that I look,Don't judge a book by its coverI'm not much of a man by the light of day, But by night I'm one hell of a loverI'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, let me show you around, maybe play you a soundYou look like you're both pretty groovyOr if you want something visual that's not too abysmalWe could take in an old Steve Reeves movie."I'm glad we caught you at home, could we use your phone?We're both in a bit of a 'll just say where we are, then wait for the strippersWe don't want to be any worry."So you got caught with a flat, well, how about that?Well, babies, don't you the light of the night when it all seems alrightI'll get you a satanic mechanic.I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite?I could show you my favourite obsession.I've been making a man with blond hair and a tanAnd he's good for relieving my tensionI'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania**_.

Then. He. Fell. Out. The. Window. Backwards. Cause. He.

Fell. Out. The. Window. Backwards.

Twit.

"Hey Ed"

"What?"

"You look like a pedo"

"Thanks, Em, I love you too"

**A/N: There =] Don't hurt me, pleaseee, I'll make TeamVolturii write the chapter…JUST DON'T HURT ME!!! Thanks. :D**


	6. Authors Note

**Hey people**

**Sorry about the huge lack of updates-Pixie isn't interested in this story anymore, so I may try to manage it on my own. But I might find a new co-author. I doubt anyone will volunteer, so I'm gonna ask one of my awesome friends (whom writes another story with me) to write beside me once more...Yeah.**

**So don't worry, there will be an update soon.**

**Hold onto your hats!**

**~Sebastian (;**


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